may 1 2022

ah, it's may
april was alright but the fun thing is that theres always room for improvement
first off my friends are coming over the day after tomorrow, to my house and everything.

i haven't had people over since i was a young child, and one person in the chat sent a video with the caption "POV: You can't sleep because you have something exciting happening the next day", depicting a person unable to sleep. and he said "This is gonna be me on Sunday cause we're going to [my] territory on Monday 💪💪💪". excited!? to see me!? it's so new to me but i'm so happy

ive been feeling all sorts of strange lately beginning to properly process my last relationship and i dont know if its good or bad. lately i rekindled things between one of our old mutual friends who is no longer in contact with her, i didn't think that was possible. i thought all was over. and in a sense it was. i dreamed about her again lately, but not in the context of wanting her back like i did before. i hope i can love again someday. properly, healthily.

ive been dealing by seeing things with a birds-eye view i guess... makes it hard to feel properly, but also keeps my mood stable, so it's a win in my book. for now at least.

i started writing a play though and it makes me feel alive again thinking about coming to my clubmates for help and their input! that's what was missing, when i was writing but didn't feel any particular way about it. i don't know how to feel about it right now -- much of the things that i feel happy about creating, i've done so with others and not alone -- so i look forward to it very much. i can figure out how to tie everything together, but i need to figure out where the plot will go, mainly... come to think of it, i've always inevitably come to create something with people i'm close to. i think it's a beautiful thing.

the play i'm writing is one untangling and exploring my feelings around a friendship i had in my early teens. the characters have existed for years, their story i could not work out how to tell. i wrote different versions of the same idea i always had for them. i modeled them after my friend group at the time, then they took their own shapes. one of them's modeled after a freshman from my school now, that i met in my senior year. i could not have made that character last year. everything is ephemeral. writing casts it in stone. maybe people that are or have been in my position could resonate with my feelings from when i was younger. i'm being shaped, the same way those characters are.

there is a possibility that this will not be my final year at high school, and while it feels tiring to think about some days, i always have options, and my journey is my own. the people in the drama club chat replied that they were happy to keep me another year. i think this one junior will need a friend after the others graduate. i'm happy to be wanted. happy to be doing something lately.